joke

[DAGGERZ]

A prolific shoplifter is caught again and faces the judge, with only her long-suffering hubby as support. Judge told her that he would have to jail her due to her form and asked her if she agreed there were probably 6 tomatoes in the can she stole. She did. "Well then, I'll give you 6 nights in jail!" said judge.
At this, husband leaps forward and says "She also stole a can of peas as well you know...."
***********************************************
Man sitting reading his paper gets hit round the head with a frying pan by his wife cos she's found a bit of paper with 'jenny' written on it, in his trouser pocket; husband claims it was just the name of a horse. 3 days later, she hits him with an even bigger frying pan, knocking him sparko. when he resumed, he said "wot was that all about?!" she said "your horse phoned!"
***********************************************
The Labour Party today announced it is changing its emblem from a rose to a condom cos it more accurately reflects the government's political stance; a condom allows for inflation, halts production, destroys the next generation, protects a bunch of pricks and gives you a sense of security when you're actually being screwed...
************************************************
man sitting on the beach with no arms or legs is appaorched by 3 beautiful women...."Have you ever had a hug?" says one. "No" he says, gets a hug from her and she walks away...
2nd says "have you ever had a kiss?"
"No" he sobs, so gets a kiss and she walks away
3rd says "have you ever been fucked?"
He says "NO!" She says......

"You will be when the tide comes in!"
***********************************************
Litle Johnny's neighbours have a baby, tragically born with no ears. When they bring him home, Johnny is invited over with his family, with strict instructions NOT to mention the ears. Johnny took one look at the baby and said "What a beautiful baby...lovely feet and hands, cute nose....can he see OK?" Mum says "Thankfully yes..the doctor says he's got 20/20 vision"
"That's great" says Johnny "Cos he'd be fucked if he needed glasses!"